JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
A blonde walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her and says. "Single, eh?"
The blonde replies very sarcastically, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you are ugly."
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's
Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night
gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car
not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be
that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked
and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you
will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to
be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
Now this is a grieving widow.
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper
office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit
editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects
and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the
woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all
obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that
case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
"Why don't we ever hear of a thief burglarizing a politician's house?"
"Professional courtesy."
GOING TO THE GYNECOLOGIST
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories.
Here was one of the winners.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning
I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at
9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed
upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in
"that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was
presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and
raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at
the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million
miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said:
"My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I
didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when
she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need
the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Three Little Pigs (PC version)
Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with
their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area, they each built a
beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of
dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were
finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad
wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both the physical
and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The
wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs,
let me in!" The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs
defending their homes and culture." But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought
was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and he puffed and he blew down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the
house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs,
little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted, "Go to hell, you carnivorous,
imperialistic oppressor!" At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to
himself: "They are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame to see them go, but
progress cannot be stopped." So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of
sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the
house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for
vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as
well as native curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows. At the house of bricks, the
wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!" This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of
protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to
see the situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and he puffed, and
huffed and puffed, the grabbed his chest and fell over dead of a massive heart attack
brought on from eating too many fatty food. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice
had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to
liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced
off their lands. Their new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine
guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the
pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and
affordable housing for everyone.
Please Note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves
were harmed in the writing of the story.
Why me (and other everyday annoyances)
*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the
middle of them.
*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across
your living room rug.
*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at everything.
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you discover a piece of parsley stuck to your
front tooth.
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes and drifts
when you move away.
*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
*You wash a garment with a Kleenex in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered
with lint.
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 p.m. instead of 7 a.m.
*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
*People behind you in a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know
how to spell it.
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just
browsing.
*You can't find a sales person when you are ready to buy
God had finally decided that he'd had enough, so he called the 3 most important people in
the world to Heaven to explain the situation. Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates
were in front of God when he told them "I am ending the world in 3 days, tell your
people to be ready. Begging will not help, so be prepared." All 3 were sent back to
Earth to give the warnings. Yeltsin told his people "God is ending the world in 3
days, get prepared." Clinton told his people "God is ending the world in 3 days,
get prepared." Bill Gates told his people "Hey everyone, God says I am one of
the 3 most important people on Earth! By the way, we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows
95"
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
-Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
-Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
-Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
-Drunk gets nine months in violin case
-Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
-Farmer Bill dies in house
-Iraqi head seeks arms
-Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
-Stud tires out
-Prostitutes appeal to Pope
-Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
-Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
-British left waffles on Falkland Islands
-Eye drops off shelf
-Teacher strikes idle kids
-Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
-Squad helps dog bite victim
-Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
-Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
-Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
-Miners refuse to work after death
-Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
-Stolen painting found by tree
-Two soviet ships collide, one dies
-2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
-Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
-Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
-Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
-War dims hope for peace
-If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
-Cold wave linked to temperatures
-Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide